All the stupid shit I have thought about looking at my ceiling in the dark at some point and all the bargain basement emotions I felt doing so. These are just a series of thoughts I have had over the years, staring at my ceiling in the dark every time the night came calling.

 

Nothing I write here should be regarded as literature; nothing I write here or wherever should be considered of note. This is what living alone for twelve hundred and seventy-seven days has done to me. This is my museum of youth, the last place where I have ever felt like myself and likely ever will.

 

ENTRY #1

When you intrinsically changed into a face you did not think was possible.

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ENTRY #2

When you still recognise yourself but are not sure how or if others do,

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ENTRY #3

When you do everything that someone can do for some form of a happy ending, you still do not get it.

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ENTRY #4

When your memories grow faint

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ENTRY #5

When the voice of the person you love cascades over the dyes through the setting sun.

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ENTRY #6

When you realise that, as humans, you are not deserving of such perfect moments.

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ENTRY #7

When you ruin those perfect moments by being human, by being yourself

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ENTRY #8

When the eggshells on the floor are too fragile for you to pick up

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ENTRY #9

When you keep wanting more

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ENTRY #10

When you do not get the thing, you have wanted your whole life.

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ENTRY #11

When you do get the thing you have wanted your whole life

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ENTRY #12

When you stop doom-scrolling to look at the pictures from the Hubble Space Telescope

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ENTRY #13

When you die a little every day for some forlorn hope

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ENTRY #14

When the abruptness of the moment catches you off guard at the dairy aisle

 

ENTRY #15

When an ephemeral dream gives way to reality

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ENTRY #16

When the moments that matter the most, the ones you want to last forever, end up only being an instant in the grand scheme of things

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ENTRY #17

When you realise you are forgetting the good old times bit by bit every day

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ENTRY #18

When you know for sure things will never be the same again

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ENTRY #19

When you find yourself begging the God of God bereft people to make time stand still

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ENTRY #20

When you find yourself asking the person you care for the most to leave you because you cannot bear to care as much anymore

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ENTRY #21

When you realise life is just a series of barriers you will never overcome

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ENTRY #22

When you can not get back the hands, you let go.

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ENTRY #23

When you cannot make room for new happiness

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ENTRY #24

When you have conjured up an inordinately long queue of memories that will never get better,

 

ENTRY #25

When you do not know what you need to do, be enough.

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ENTRY #26

When you know for sure no matter how much of yourself you give, you will never be enough.

 

ENTRY #27

When you keep looking for external validation to know you are allowed to feel however way you are feeling.

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ENTRY #28

When the sonder has you terrified

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ENTRY #29

When you keep trying to give any resemblance of meaning to the memories you only observed and never lived

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ENTRY #30

When you, in desperation, fall apart and cheapen your words.

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ENTRY #31

When you do not believe and cannot wrap your head around faith

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ENTRY #32

When you keep finding yourself in a perpetual hell of your own making just with changing faces

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ENTRY #33

When you let personal tragedies ruin everything, even things that have not happened yet.

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ENTRY #34

When the voices in your head drown out your heartbeat

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ENTRY #35

When the best you can offer someone is to love them in streams, unsteady intervals, and only occasionally to fall apart when they touch your face.

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ENTRY #36

When you fight for an ambition you will never see be fulfilled.

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ENTRY #37

When you know tomorrow is already taken from you, yesterday is all lived, and today is also slipping by.

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ENTRY #38

When you are dying to be all that you are dreaming off

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ENTRY #39

When you cannot grow past your trauma and cannot turn your pain into agency

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ENTRY #40

When the night swallows your voice even before it reaches the person it is aimed at, you receive no response in return.

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ENTRY #41

When you get the paradise everyone prays for, but you just lament it as your version of hell.

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ENTRY #42

When a different memory fades daily, you feel guilty for wanting some memories alone to remain clear in your head.

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ENTRY #43

When you feel lonely and out of place for waiting on someone separated by space and time

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ENTRY #44

When your reality is so loosely sown that even a minor misstep in the wrong direction would make everything crumble instantaneously.

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ENTRY #45

When, in your head, you convince yourself something is more than what it is.

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ENTRY #46

When you finally find someone, you can see God so apparent, but regardless, you need to wake up to reality.

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ENTRY #47

When you keep wondering where you have lost everything worth having

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ENTRY #48

When everything worth holding onto has slipped away from the hollow of your hands

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ENTRY #49

When you do not know whether to sink or swim

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ENTRY #50

Regardless of how hard you cover your ears or eyes, time is not something you can escape.

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ENTRY #51

When you let orchids on your window, wither away.

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ENTRY #52

When you go back to the first night you ever played Bon Iver to someone.

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ENTRY #53

When it hits you how you have never been magnificent

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ENTRY #54

When growing up, you were so confident you would move to a place where you knew you belonged to

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ENTRY #55

As you grow up, that only space you have ever belonged to grows smaller and smaller; eventually, it becomes a person, then a moment in time, and now it is nowhere.

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ENTRY #56

When the only love you have ever felt was all maroon and left you with welts.

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ENTRY #57

When you spend the entirety of October crawling back to your cave but never getting any closer to it.

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ENTRY #58

When you misinterpret every minor deviance as a forewarning,

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ENTRY #59

When you feel a tug of string in your heart

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ENTRY #60

When you finally learn to live without turning away from what you do not like.

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ENTRY #61

When you cannot fathom how not everyone is immediately repulsed and or disgusted at the first sight or sound of you

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ENTRY #62

When you cannot take the vigilant societal expectations on how your grief should be publicly processed

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ENTRY #63

When you break down at the prospect of wanting to live more but not like this

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ENTRY #64

When the pain of loss strips you of all reason.

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ENTRY #65

When you feel like the only way you can feel anything is when things are lamentable.

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ENTRY #66

When you find yourself asking, have you always been this way, or is this what life has made you into?

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ENTRY #67

When you make a mess, the cleanup already feels impossible. So you just let the mess stagnate and take over bit by bit.

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ENTRY #68

When your only form of reprieve is just a cigarette in the city you lived in when you were young(er).

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ENTRY #69

When everyone around you keeps asking you to make a detailed roadmap of how exactly life would need to pan out for you to feel normal.

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ENTRY #70

When you do not know how you would feel if you did get all the things you wanted, there is no way to know.

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ENTRY #71

When you know nothing will ever make you unmake your choices, and it is just that you did not know when making those choices that they will limit all the other choices you would have to make in the future.

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ENTRY #72

When you feel like you are constantly outside your body, witnessing your life play out.

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ENTRY #73

When you are alone in your apartment, and you are maybe finally thinking of moving on, without warning, you hear the key in the lock, in the creek of the hinge. You turn around and see that she is just there in the doorway. For a split second in time, it all seems plausible.

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ENTRY #74

When you mistake the person closest to you for your misery

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ENTRY #75

When you keep thinking, “If I could only exorcise this part of me, I’d be me again”.

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ENTRY #76

But you are not you anymore; you have not been in a long time, and there is no one to blame.

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ENTRY #77

The real problem was that time would march on no matter what; you are only at risk for not remembering that this is as good as it gets every single moment.

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ENTRY #78

When you cannot fathom how you can know so much but still be baffled by it all

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ENTRY #79

When you keep giving false reassuring to the people who care the most about you, how the city makes you feel whole

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ENTRY #80

When the replaceable calls on the loop and the rituals holding the moments from your ruin still make you believe the future you envisioned for yourself is still possible.

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ENTRY #81

When you can not stop hating yourself, not even for a second

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ENTRY #82

When you are overwhelmed by the impossibility of your desire for tender moments

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ENTRY #83

When you see no redress out of your guilt

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ENTRY #84

When you have waited through an entire April trying to find the perfect way to die, and when you find the perfect day, dressed up to the eye, ready to pull the trigger, you are thrown off balance by a spring about to come to life.

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ENTRY #85

When no one around you understands what living with no emotional regulation feels like.

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ENTRY #86

When you kept waiting for the sun to show up again when it was already dark

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ENTRY #87

When your grief is so violent, it keeps slicing your palm open every time you try reaching out to anyone.

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ENTRY #88

When the distance between you and the people you care about grows so much, any conversation between you and them happens to an answering machine that no longer works.

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ENTRY #89

Destiny is too powerful of an entity to fight against. Destiny is a promise bond. It is part of the emotional resonance that your consciousness has with the fabric of your reality.

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ENTRY #90

When the promises you make both link you to other people, they can also destroy the very connection when a promise of enough self-prominence is broken.

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ENTRY #91

When someone tells you they care about you, you immediately imagine a time when you would not.

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ENTRY #92

When you try to turn away from your mother's eyes, but you see them even with your eyes closed, they keep reverberating an insincere slogan: "How long do you have until you realise your fate has already been occluded in place, and no amount of effort or longing is going to change that".

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ENTRY #93

When you are dying quietly, waiting for death

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ENTRY #94

When you do not believe that God ever forgives his creations that call him cursed, his creations, who find solace in hating God

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ENTRY #95

When things make you cry, even after years, after they initially happen

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ENTRY #96

When you put so much emphasis on parting words, it leaves you feeling lightheaded.

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ENTRY #97

When you keep intertwining between different roles in search of the "real you."

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ENTRY #98

When you finally accept all these roles, are you still

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ENTRY #99

When you finally decide to stop searching for yourself somewhere else and finally accept wherever you are now, this is the complete you,

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ENTRY #100

When you realise at the end of it, you have survived it all in a hundred different ways than you already have.

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The silver lining (if you can even call it that) is all the things, all your ersatz emotions, and all these and other feelings that make you feel less human, which are also what makes you human in the first place. So much has been said and written about the collective human experience and, on the other hand, the individual human experience. All of it boils down to the fact that you are not the first person to be alienated by the human experience.

 

So, the next time life makes you feel less human, do not give in to voices, do not throw yourself at the abyss; chances are you are far more human than you give yourself credit for.

 

Maybe nothing I ever write will be what you need to hear, but I am still here trying to see what you could be.

 

“You could die of loneliness, but you could die of hope too. How it blinded you a little, The way it led you to try again, despite what you knew”.

- Fleishman is in Trouble.

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